not defeated.

this is one tired doula typing tonight. i had two births last week, both mamas had longgggg warm ups, lasting 5 days each, and difficult labors.
the first mama had an interesting and peculiar cervix that was so posterior it pointed up, and baby was engaged and sitting on the lower uterine segment, not the cervix. she dilated to 1 and lost her plug, a first for her body, but labor never progressed past that and her baby was not moving and having consistent heart decels, so the decision was made to deliver by c-section. she was going for a vba2c and my heart broke for her. such a sweet mama, worked so hard, endured days without sleep, and so deserving of vbac victory. in the end, little baby girl had different plans, and coupled with some interesting factors with mom's cervix, off to the OR we went. making matters worse, the doctor told her she absolutely was not born with a cervix like that, it likely resulted during a c-section, and i know that is a hard pill to swallow. we were hoping for some conclusive answers during the operation, but so far the doctor has not been able to give her any. we are still praying for answers.
i do hope she feels empowered by the control she did have over the birth. her options were laid out for her, which included doing nothing, or going home, which were against medical advice, but still her options. i think it helps when mom has that final say-so, even if it is a difficult decision.
there were tears, and since then i have cried several, because the loss of that dream is so hard. and this mama has similar awful reactions to drugs like me so i feel for her, understand her misery in recovery from major surgery again, and remember the heartache for a vaginal birth. some of us would rather just avoid the drugs. the pain of labor is just so much better than the drugs. seriously! but what mama wouldn't endure anything for her baby. it stinks but knowing that it was necessary brings me comfort and hopefully it does to my client too.
in any case, i am proud of her. she was so determined and she fought so hard. i know that she would have continued to fight for days more if that's what it took, if it had not been for baby not tolerating what was going on. this may not have ended in vbac, but i refuse to believe it ended in defeat either. she's amazing and i stand in awe!
more on mama #2 in the coming days...